I looked within myself and found parts of you everywhere. Tangled in my DNA, I was disgusted with myself for even being related. Anger causes me to mutter insults similar to yours. We lace them with pettiness and manipulation. Each meant to cause turmoil to the target. Hoping they’d replay in their heads over and over and over until they couldn’t sleep at night. They’d claw at their own skin the same way I do now just thinking about what was said.
I’m hurt. I’m resentful. I was picked over and made an option by someone who claimed they wouldn’t do such a thing. Suddenly I was a burden to a man who promised to provide until he no longer could. I tell people I’ve come a long way but a long way only means I’m no longer crying every night. I’m not standing in random lines and feeling my heart break into pieces again.
I’m trying forgiveness. It’s for me, not you. But I’m not ready yet.
You broke my heart. I tell people that even though it sucks, at least no one can hurt me worst than you have.
I wrote this over the summer, when all I felt towards you was anger and hurt. Now that a few months have passed, I’ve looked within myself to see a person who isn’t you. She told me that she picks your good qualities to imitate while not claiming your negative ones. I followed suit and began to imitate your hard work, persistence, and taste for odd combinations.
My ability to express myself allows me to stay above water while you drown in words you don’t mean or haven’t said. My compassion and care for others will always lead me to find love in places love wasn’t meant to be.
I’m not you
And I don’t have to be.