Old Habits Die Hard

I love you but I have deep rooted issues and sometimes my fears get the best of me. I remember telling you he had been the healthiest relationship I had been in. You shook your head, letting me know that as someone on the outside looking in, my judgment had been wrong. No longer was I able to keep up with that idea. As time passed I began to see patterns in the relationship that weren’t good.

Sometimes they were him. I had called him on them and sometimes changes were made and sometimes they weren’t. Then there was me. Now usually I don’t look at my flaws so closely because tummy aches that feel like death somehow happen around the same time but this time I had to. I’m impatient. I’m inconsiderate. I made rash judgments then forget to face the consequences. I cry a lot and have a habit of over apologizing. You see I realize that can be emotionally manipulative. Sometimes I’m just as unhealthy to people as others are to me.

But my fears. What do I fear? Two things. Besides being the unhealthy part of my relationship, I also fear finding myself in an unhealthy one. Again. This would be the …third time? Ignoring all the friendships and almost relationships that never got off the ground. You’ve never hit me without my permission. If you offend me, you apologize and stop making that comment. You respect me. Yet sometimes I’m afraid I’ll see the signs and never leave. I’ll allow myself to be trapped again.

It’s crazy because I don’t feel you’ll hurt me. In our time together I’ve only cried once and that was my fault. You listen to my whining and accept my neediness. Even my pouting. I’m a princess in its truest, I work a slightly above minimum wage job in NYC so I can only give you so much but it’s from the heart form. Sometimes my fears just get the best of me. It’s not as though I’ve never told this to you before. You allow me the opportunity to speak freely. Never have you raised your voice at me or given me reasons to distrust you. You’ve only shown me love. I suppose it’s just self doubt.

I’ve never seen a loving marriage, let alone loving relationship growing up. My image of how love is suppose to be was formed through trial and error and even television shows. Regardless of what people might say, I can spot an unhealthy relationship in a few interactions except in my own. From the outside looking in, nobody has made any comment that you’re not right for me. I have a good support system so I believe their silence. So it’s probably just in my head. Fear of being weak again. Fear of knowing the right answers and still failing. Fear of being a victim.

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