He told me that it’s time to leave and asked why I wanted to stay so badly. It’s guilt. I don’t want to leave her alone with her thoughts because I know how hard it can be to wake up in the middle of the night and just know you don’t deserve to be alive. I know how hard it is to go through the motions day by day wondering if things will get better, somehow knowing they won’t, and just accepting this pitfalls as life. I know what it is like to want to change what is happening in my life but not have any of the tools to do so. I just know what it’s like to feel alone.

I can’t leave knowing she’s feeling this way. I wonder if our relationship would last though if she didn’t feel that she needed me to stay around because I’m such a great friend and because I listen to her vent about the same thing for 4 days in a row without a complaint until we’re both sick of her talking about it and we just move on to her next topic. She’s never called me her best friend though it seems she’s told me almost as much as she’s told the boy who just doesn’t really love her or can’t seem to stick around long enough.

Why am I holding on to someone who only sees my beauty when she’s tired of looking at her perceived ugliness? Who keeps conversation focused on herself? Who I don’t feel comfortable coming to when my knees get weak, my throat begins to close, and the tears force themselves out of my eyes? Am I afraid of leaving only to watch on the news, her name flashing across the screen, seeing her become another hashtag and knowing I could have done something, anything, if I hadn’t of let her go?

He told me my guilty conscious wasn’t a good reason to stay but it really isn’t a good reason to go either. So I put her messages on “do not disturb” so I pull myself away without hurting her. Giving myself a chance to respond when I felt I could handle it. I’m going to stick it out until she’s happier because I know then we’ll just grow apart, our friendship won’t stand the test of time, and I’ll no longer have to worry about her.

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