When It Rains, It Pours

Sometimes I miss the emptiness of a broken heart. I have so much love in my body I don’t know how not to share but there are moments I want to remember what it’s like to feel my stomach turning at the thought of something I’ve lost. Feel the way my heart ached when I found something that reminded me of it.

Sometimes I want to feel the aching just when everything is going good because this feeling can’t last. This happiness is only temporary and I need to remember the nausea that comes with feeling like I’ll never make it through to the other side.

The way my stomach twisted when I thought of you. The way my heart ached when I remembered what I had lost. I want to feel that again to remind myself that these bright, love-filled days still turn into dark, lonely nights.

And I got my wish. I skipped class and lay in my bed all day, crying, while he rubbed my back. He let me know it was okay to be sad. That it was okay to let it out. That it was okay to give myself days where I didn’t do anything but eat Mexican food in bed and watch Batman. It didn’t feel okay.

I forced the tears out my eyes as I told him I knew my happiness couldn’t last. I didn’t see the clouds rolling in on me. I didn’t hear the thunder growing louder.

When it rains it pours and surely I’m caught in a monsoon.

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