The butterflies traveled from navel to chest. Holding it in wasn’t working anymore. I choked on my own words as they escaped out. “Hello.” My voice broke, betraying how nervous I was. You’re only response was to look down at me from the corner of your eye. I shut up.
I use to speak to you so easily. Freely without fear of judgment. Now I worry I won’t have enough time for each word. Sentences jumble together. I’m scared you won’t understand me so my thoughts race trying to catch up to my mouth.
Walking past, I reminded myself not to reach out for you. Not to grab at the hem of your pants as though you were Jesus and I needed healing from this pain you’re putting me through. This is suffering and you are not my savior.
And you realize but don’t care that I’m sensitive. I’m easily hurt and right now? Right now I’m licking each wound created in your presence. I’m pacing back and forth, waiting for you to glance my way if only for a second. I’m hoping we lock eyes and your face tells me that I’m still enough. We won’t. I’ll continue putting my energy towards someone who doesn’t offer any back.
There’s no beauty in a broken heart caused by someone you never had a real thing with. And there’s no advice for getting over something you have no name for.