He said that as long as he spoke the truth, he would be okay no longer speaking. But when did his truth become mine? Because when I spoke from my heart, suddenly our words contradicted and he was still right only because he proclaimed to be.
I could hear his words in the back of my mind. “You’re self destructive.” But I couldn’t find his words being presented in my actions. I looked around and saw that self care is important to me. And I haven’t tried to kill myself in awhile. So where was this destruction? Was it in the way I ate McDonald’s or was it because I loved myself enough to defend my choices and actions. That I wouldn’t allow someone to force my hand to change.
I’ve never been one to argue because sometimes others know better than me. And when you’re unsure of yourself you look to those around you for guidance. I use to close my eyes at night, praying for signs and people to lead me in the right direction. I couldn’t trust myself to make the right decisions. They were permanent choices I had to live by. If someone else made them, at least then they’d be the ones to bear the consequences. But I still found myself wandering around in circles. No promise I’d ever find my way.
I pushed away the feelings of doubt and began making the choices I avoided for so long. Allowing anxieties to keep me on my toes and faith to guide me forward. I became more comfortable in listening to myself instead of the preachings of others unwilling to walk in my shoes. So why do I find myself replaying his words over and over in my head? That my behavior is self destructive and this self love I have going is unhealthy and indulgent. That as I make these decisions on my own, I should second guess myself. Unsure if what I’m doing is best for me or if it’s what just feels best.
What does it matter though? Long as I’m happy, right?