When we stared in each other’s eyes I looked away without thinking. I wouldn’t allow him to think he knew me.
When people look in my eyes suddenly I feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead, my mouth goes dry, and I can no longer maintain contact. And it’s not just a glance. They stare into my eyes as if trying to see into my soul. I feel naked. I know they can see every regret, fear, and dream I hold dear to my heart. I can’t ignore the way I shift my weight from hip to hip in hopes of discouraging the eye contact.
If I’m being honest
I’m scared that if they find the secrets I keep close to me, they’ll no longer want to talk to me. They’ll disappear because I’m not who they thought I was. So I don’t open up to people as much as I want to. I remember him holding me, tears coming down my face, as we talked about why my ex wouldn’t talk to me. Why seeing him on Facebook with his new girlfriend hurt so much even though I was falling in love with someone else. Why that boy from Florida moving on without me hurt as if he had broken up with me.
Because it meant that this personality I had taken time to develop was imperfect. That I was not someone who could be trusted or loved or that I was enough. And I’m afraid people see through me.
As we stared in each other eyes, he slowly closed his, taking time to find the right words, “You know, your eyes are beautiful. Right?”