I’m Insignificant

I hate having to ask my mother for permission to call out of work because I’m too scared to decide for myself.

And it’s not that I don’t know how to make decisions on my own but my job reminds me how replaceable I am that I’m not entirely sure they’ll keep me if I called out just one more time because I’m still not feeling too well.

When they asked me why I even went in, I couldn’t lie and say it’s because I thought I was okay. No, it’s because I work retail and they’ll question me unless they see me in my hospital gown, struggling through the store wheeling the IV down the hall. And my coworkers understand this. They know it doesn’t make sense.

But he shared his story about how this job allows him to spend more time with his family and I had heard it before and it continues to touch my heart. Sadly, that’s not my reality. I don’t have a duo income, and I came here on my own and it’s only these past 8 months that I’ve had a sibling in NYC. I couldn’t babysit my nephew anymore because my work schedule wouldn’t allow me to. I’m sure my story isn’t the only one.

I’ve only ever felt replaceable in my relationships. I’m never good enough so I could see his eyes wander towards women who could meet the needs I left untouched. But here I am, in job that reminds me daily that they could find someone to be me because I’ll never be enough.

“If you’re looking for more money, then retail isn’t for you. That you need to find a different job.” Then he told us, after she asked for more compensation, that our pay, our benefits, and this job were just that, compensation.

If that is enough compensation, why am I feeling like this?

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