I think we should stop being friends for awhile. I know, it’s so sudden and I just saw you last week. So why now? Why after all the support and love you’ve given me, what more can you do for me keep you around? Nothing because you’ve done enough. But you aren’t enough. If that makes sense.
As you confide in me, there is joy in knowing she’s hurting you. Giving you one more reason to leave so I can tell you that it’s okay not to want to stick around. You carry the weight of the relationship on your shoulders. Or, what you think is the weight and I continue to make suggestions so it becomes heavier and heavier. You can’t bear the weight any longer.
I find myself wanting more of you. More from you. These “I love yous” are getting scary and gritty and I’m losing track of their meaning. I’m hoping, almost wishing, that one of these days you’ll come to me with your heart in your hands and tell me she did it, she finally crossed the line and you are able to be mine.
So you’re not enough because you don’t want to be with me. You continue to enjoy your relationship and that’s okay. You deserve better than what I can give you.
And I relied on you to show me what I deserved. Even though I woke up every morning knowing it was much more than you were willing to give. It wasn’t as though I wanted to ignore the signs that stared me in the face. Just for some reason my ability to comprehend disappeared when I thought of you. Everything was simply a test meant to make us stronger. Me stronger for you.
Then for a moment, when I realized I could no longer trust you with me, the only thing I wanted was to see you hurt as much as I did. I wanted to have you questioning whether or not you had done enough. Better yet, if you were even enough. I found myself not trusting the kind words of my friends because they saw something in me that you didn’t. And if you didn’t see it, was it really in me?
But now, the only revenge I want is happiness. With happiness, I don’t worry about how you feel. I only care about what brings me joy, what gives me reasons to wake up in the morning. Reasons to smile without a care in the world. To continue being gentle with myself and those around me. Including you.
Allowing me to be happy and free. Focusing on me.
Through drunk slurs and half opened eyes, I tried to tell him that I knew I was just a convenience for him. That while she was gone, I was her placeholder. Although I didn’t like the position I was given, loneliness kept me there. He dismissed my comments, claiming I was just too drunk. So I closed my eyes until my train stop and let the conversation go.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve felt like I was only there until someone better came along.
We laid in my bed as he spoke kindly about her. His excitement hard to hide, and I couldn’t find a reason to hate his happiness. But as his words trailed off, his hands roamed my body. I told him I was tired of only being sex. Through honest words and soft pauses, his lips met mine and I knew he hadn’t listened. That I was only there until she came back.
The ability to love someone through their need for you is a strength I wish I no longer possessed.
He came and went, allowing time to pass between visits. Hitting me up when it felt as though I was slipping outside his grasp. He grew to love me quickly and sweetly. Gentle words caressed my neck as he whispered words of love in my ear. And when I tried to welcome him into my arms, he left.
I spat the words out, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. How could I use these moments to speak so lowly of myself? I paused cause I was my greatest friend. I needed to speak gently to myself.
It didn’t work.
Disgusting and worthless. The words felt like labels on my forehead. And I couldn’t help but think they were true. In the pit of my stomach I knew I deserved every terrible comment anyone made about me. I looked in the mirror, wiped the tears from my eyes, and repeated my mantra. I would always remain light and love. I asked around, wondering they saw the same in me. Their words came gentle and kind but I couldn’t see anything in the dark.
This feeling of uselessness didn’t last long. Only long enough to remind myself this confidence I built ain’t always solid. Sometimes it takes more that positive words and kind friends to love yourself.
“You accept the love you think you deserve.” I struggled through trying to figure out how we didn’t fit in this equation.
This is the first time I’m not wondering if I’m enough. Because I’m use to men who love to kiss girls like me. Men who think girls like me are cute for short term flings. But don’t want to build other things. Because the last guy who laid in my bed, whispered sweet nothings in my ear, and still told me about girls who didn’t look like me. And I wasn’t sure if I was jealous because I liked him or just ashamed that I wasn’t worth his affections. Acting out as though that would change his mind. Thinking that if I take on her personality and he’ll love me more.
But I worked hard on me. To try to figure out who I thought I was meant to be. I focused daily trying to build this self esteem. Repeating that I’m light and love. Even when I felt dark and alone. Reminding myself that I should be enough, if only just for me.
And that’s just a cop out because now even though I know I’m enough, I realize I may be just too much for you. When he spoke those words, I shook my head instantly connecting it to us, not wanting to accept the fact that I’m settling. I shouldn’t need a quote to tell me that this isn’t my ideal situation but I do. Accepting the things you can’t change is cheesy when I could be holding another man’s hands. So I remind them that the heart wants what it wants. And I’m going to stick around until “I love you but I love me more.”
The butterflies traveled from navel to chest. Holding it in wasn’t working anymore. I choked on my own words as they escaped out. “Hello.” My voice broke, betraying how nervous I was. You’re only response was to look down at me from the corner of your eye. I shut up.
I use to speak to you so easily. Freely without fear of judgment. Now I worry I won’t have enough time for each word. Sentences jumble together. I’m scared you won’t understand me so my thoughts race trying to catch up to my mouth.
Walking past, I reminded myself not to reach out for you. Not to grab at the hem of your pants as though you were Jesus and I needed healing from this pain you’re putting me through. This is suffering and you are not my savior.
And you realize but don’t care that I’m sensitive. I’m easily hurt and right now? Right now I’m licking each wound created in your presence. I’m pacing back and forth, waiting for you to glance my way if only for a second. I’m hoping we lock eyes and your face tells me that I’m still enough. We won’t. I’ll continue putting my energy towards someone who doesn’t offer any back.
There’s no beauty in a broken heart caused by someone you never had a real thing with. And there’s no advice for getting over something you have no name for.
I promise this is the last poem I’m writing about a broken heart. I know you’re getting tired of these so I mean it. I understand because I’m getting tired of trying to figure out how I continue to find myself in this situation.
It’s just that he came into my life like a whirlwind and I wasn’t ready for the gift of love that he planned to give me. I was scare, nervous, and unsure of what I wanted. So I hesitated and he understood his position in my world. And as soon as he came, he went.
When he returned, I found myself ready to give love. I missed him. I actually really liked him. I allowed words to move above action and listened to everything he had to say. He claimed my guard was up and no one could get close to me. So I took a moment to actively break it down.
But, inconsistency, potential girlfriends, and high hopes are dream crushers.
This is my last poem about a broken heart. Rushed like our relationship.